Aging Gracefully

An acquaintance of mine once said to me, "I fear growing old. I dread the day that I become so frail and weak that I have to depend on others to care for my daily needs. I know my children love me, and I know they will likely want to care for me. But for how long? When will they start thinking of me as yet another chore in an already busy day?" Indeed, it often seems as if old people no longer have a place in this world. But it wasn't always like that.

Traditionally, elders were considered learned and wise. From Europe to the Middle East to Africa to Asia, and even here in North America, elders were valuable and respected members of the family and the community. In Norse tradition, ancestors were called "Elder Kin," and, in some cases, were considered to be deities who were honored with gifts. In Islam, serving one's parents was second only to worshipping God. The elders of Kenya's Masai community were the only ones who could tell a man when he was able to marry. Asian families believed that children were born indebted to their parents; performing ceremonies after their death was one way of repaying this debt. The elders of Burkina Faso's Mossi community often dictated the vocations of the family's children. In Latin America, older parents were traditionally cared for by the youngest daughter, who would not marry until they were deceased. In the Kazakh (now Kazakhstan) community, elders were responsible for allocating land to families, controlling warriors, and setting taxation. Anointing rituals and ceremonies enhanced the status of elders in medieval Kerala. And American aboriginal cultures showed reverence for their elders and ancestors even beyond death.

So why in North America are many elderly living out their days in isolation – either neglected in their own home or abandoned by family in a nursing home, no matter how excellent – rather than being honored and cared for by their children. What has changed?

Youth Culture

In the modern Western world, you may get old, but you had better not look it! We are bombarded from all sides with the message that young is good and old is bad. From anti-wrinkle creams (targeting 20-somethings) to soft drink ads (telling us to "stay young") to cosmetic procedures (promising to zap our wrinkles and lift our faces), we are taught that aging is something we can conquer. We laud older actresses who retain their youthful looks and ignore those who don't. Old people who actually look old represent a destiny we are trying to escape.

The Information Age

The internet – what a remarkable invention! We can acquire information about the most obscure subject in a matter of seconds. Seconds! We no longer look to our elders to pass down information because, in comparison to the World Wide Web, their experience seems outdated. Now, not only do we have access to one person's experience, we can access hundreds, if not thousands, of personal experiences.

In fact, in 2000, rather than having the old mentor the young, it became increasingly popular for companies to promote "reverse mentoring," where middle-aged executives were tutored on technology by younger employees.

The Changing Family

There are many demands on the modern Western family. Generally, both spouses work and they work long hours. Kids are more demanding and expect to participate in this sport and that activity. Families barely have time to share meals, let alone to meet the needs of increasingly dependent parents and grandparents.

Families are also becoming increasingly smaller, and family members are often spread around the world. Unlike in the past when six, eight, or more brothers and sisters shared the care of elderly parents, today, the burden is often placed on only one sibling.

And in the past, most elderly people remained healthy and active until they died. When people got sick, there were fewer medical treatments, so they died shortly thereafter. With modern medical advances, however, our bodies start to wear out long before we check out. We now suffer from Alzheimer's, diabetes, stroke, and a multitude of other age-related complications. But since we can add new bits here and tweak old bits there, we can linger for years, draining our families' energy, time, and financial resources. So, like a guest who never leaves, we wear out our welcome.

But probably the biggest cause for change in the care of the elderly is the fact that young people no longer have to do it. In the past, if people had an elderly relative who needed care, they provided it because they didn't have any other choice. Today, there are long-term care facilities and nursing homes. There are even communities geared toward those who are still mostly functioning and want to retain some degree of independence. And, as more children choose these options for their parents, they lessen or remove the stigma of putting elderly parents in an institution.

The stigma is even dissolving in, traditionally, more elder-respecting countries. The Japanese are admitting an increasing number of their elderly into old-age homes, despite the association with the legend of Obasuteyama, a mountain where aging parents, who no longer contribute to their family, are sent to die of starvation and cold. Youth are not expected to feel guilty when they use these alternatives, so they use them.

And It's About to Get Worse

The disparity between the population sizes of the elderly and young is becoming more prominent as the baby boom generation – the large number of people born between 1946 and 1964 – ages. And when the Boomers "come of age," the situation will become more urgent. We are going to require more acute- and long-term care services, and we will expect those facilities to be top quality. But who will pay for them? The younger generation is already saying they won't be stuck with the bill.

Other Considerations

We need to forget early retirement and be prepared to work longer. Besides, studies show that retirement can be a bad thing, leading to depression and declining health. Even if we choose to retire from our "career" jobs, we can embark on a second, or third, or fourth career. We can become more active as a volunteer with those older than us. And although, through sheer numbers, we will have the political clout to get what we want, we need to wield our "gray power" responsibly. Realizing that we depend on the younger generation to finance social and healthcare programs, we should use our numbers and resources to lobby for legislation that will benefit the younger and future generations as well as our own.

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