The Caregiver Who Lost Herself

Madge is the wife of my cousin Bobby. She is also a sister, mother, daughter, caregiver, grandmother, and friend. Twenty-seven years have passed since Bobby suffered the accident that changed his life and the lives of those he loved and who loved him.

Bobby was a vigorous, vibrant man, just 43 years old, when he decided to start a new life on the sea, fishing on his new long liner, the Sea Queen, with his son, David. On May 26, 1980, a beautiful spring day, Bobby and his crew steamed the Sea Queen, a 53-foot-long vessel, out to sea to begin their work. It was an uneventful trip, and the sea was calm and beautiful. At approximately 2:15pm, with the men in their usual positions, they started hauling in the nets. David was behind his father, working the machinery, and the others were pulling back the nets to the stern.

There was no warning of the disaster that was about to strike.

Bobby was working the gurdy (winch). The position he was in did not allow a good view of what happened, but somehow he got caught in a net, and consequently was pulled around the gurdy. Before David realized what had happened, his father was wrapped around the winch so far that his body became jammed against a steel pipe that was bolted to the wheelhouse. The winch was powerful enough to haul more than a ton of nets, so the machine hardly slowed as Bobby's head was pulled, twisted, and forced back over his shoulders. Although it took just seconds for David to stop the winch, it was too late. Bobby's neck was broken and his spinal cord forever damaged.

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The man we all knew as a hard worker, with endless vigor, a strong will and multiple skills, the man people called day or night for his expertise and mechanical ability, was a different person, confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Madge attended rehabilitation sessions with her husband, learned the nursing duties required for a quadriplegic, cared for their five children, and tried hard to participate in the activities in the community. There was no moment, not ever, for herself. David took over the Sea Queen, and the other children were all assigned their roles as their mother struggled night and day to come to terms with the drastic changes in their lives. Everyone turned to her for guidance and the hugs that healed the broken hearts. But Madge was slowly becoming an empty shell.

She had a job to do and do it she would, from doing her endless daily tasks of being a primary caregiver to her husband, to supervising the running of the boat. The frustrations, disappointments, anger, and confusion were kept to herself. Madge did everything humanly possible to maintain her husband's dignity and independence. Meanwhile, she neglected her own health and personal well-being. She had continuous stress and fatigue, and was facing a serious financial situation. She was spiraling downward; her life seemed out of control. If she could not accomplish something asked of her, she felt that she was a failure. There were times when anger surfaced, anger at the loss of her relationship to the man she loved, and anger that she could do nothing to make him better.

Eventually, it all took its toll. Madge developed a sleep disorder, anxiety, exhaustion, and social withdrawal. Her tears flowed freely every day, and throughout the sleepless nights.

Finally, the family realized that their shelter in the storm was in desperate need of mental and physical help. Bobby rounded up the nurses from the community health center, and they took her under their care. Finally she consented to accept home care help for Bobby. Everyone stepped up to help, help that Madge never wanted to accept but now had to in order to become whole again. She learned to pace herself, and to accept the outside care. It was what she had to do to survive.

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