Dear Lee – Backhanded Compliments

I work with someone who only gives backhanded compliments. For example, she'll say something like: "Nice shoes, they must be really comfortable. My teenage daughter has a pair like those, and all of her friends think they're really cool," or "That's a nice outfit; my mother [who is 80 and senile] has it in green," or "Great haircut! It really slims your face." She does this all the time, and she always does it in front of other staff. How do you deal with someone like this?

Sincerely,

Not Flattered

I used to work with someone who always had to point out how much better he was than the rest of us. Of course, he wasn't obvious about it. He would tell us about how great his house was and how much better is was than living in a little apartment (most of us still rented). He would mention, in passing of course, how he just ran a marathon (after someone mentioned trying a yoga class). It didn't really matter what the topic of conversation was, he always had a better story.

A friend of mine pointed out that his behavior had all the hallmarks of someone with low self-esteem. He needed to be better than us, and he needed us to know it.

Your colleague sounds very similar: It's like she has to prove to you and to your coworkers that she's better than you are. But it's also possible that she's unaware of what she's doing. You could tell her how her comments make you feel. Otherwise, you can remain silent, and treat the backhanded compliments like real ones.