Dear Mark – Inter-Departmental Christmas Party Perils

I've recently started my first job and the inter-departmental Christmas party is coming up. I've heard horror stories about what people have done and don't want to become a "statistic." I know I'm not in college anymore so I think I'll behave, but what about everyone else?

Sincerely,

First-Timer

Dear FT:

It's true that when it comes to the office Christmas party, anything can happen, and sometimes it does.

The good thing is you already recognize the dangers involved here. So stick to your instincts, and at all times keep a level head.

But, since it's a party, and you will be going, you might as well take the opportunity to have some fun – even if it's just observing the idiosyncrasies of your new coworkers. So, in the spirit of the occasion, the following is my gift to you: a partial list of the characters you might run into at your first office Christmas party, and some friendly advice.

• The Drunk Boss. You know: the Big Kahuna, the guy who holds your professional life in his hands, and has now asked you, eyes glazed, breath smelling of fishy appetizers, and already half in the can, to join him for another drink. Well, if you must. But one big glass of water for every alcoholic beverage. And keep in mind, if you get caught being a teetotaler – without medical or religious reasons – in his eyes, you're sunk.

• The Drunk Coworker. This one is similar to the Drunk Boss, except in this case, you're under no obligation to participate. So sit back and enjoy the show. And let someone else escort her to the washroom: After all, there's no reason to get dirty.

• The Overeater. While everyone else has been mingling, he's been eating. He may be a nice guy at work, but he's behaving like a pig. It's best not to join him at the appetizer trough.

• The Gossip, the Complainer, and the Talker-Only-About-Work. Sailors often hear legends of the beautiful sirens that lure ships to their doom in rocky waters. Allow yourself to get caught up in conversation with this garrulous bunch, and the same will happen to you.

• The Flirty Coworker. Also a sort of siren. And also, unfortunately, someone whose temptations one must avoid. (If you don't, you'll likely avoid each other at work the next day.) Never forget that – despite appearances – this is a work function. (Discussion of the advanced stage of the Flirty Coworker is not suitable for our audience.)

• The Table Dancer. OK, sometimes a work function turns into a toga party, and this happy coworker might even start taking off his clothes – but don't encourage him. Let others contribute their $20 bills to the cause, and go grab that beverage you've been wanting or check out the hors d'oeuvres. His performance may look funny and spontaneous at first, but it'll get ugly at some point, trust me.

• The Overdresser and the Underdresser. The former is wearing a tux, the latter a pair of jeans. Together, they look even more out of place than they do alone.

• The Wet-Hand-Shaker. Maybe he forgot to hold his drink in his left hand (as a courtesy to the people he's about to meet and shake hands with), or maybe he just came back from the washroom. You decide.

And now that you know what's coming, enjoy yourself! The golden rule here is everything in moderation and, after all the fun has been had, don't forget to thank the host, your boss. Hopefully, he'll still be standing.

♦We're now having some of our other writers help out answering the "Dear Cindy" questions. Enjoy!

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Dear Mark – Inter-Departmental Christmas Party Perils

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Mark Grzeskowiak

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