The Essence of Me

I had a father until I was nine years old – until he blurted out that I was not his daughter anyhow. My whole world changed that day, as I made the stark realization that all the family I had ever known was not really my family at all.

My grandmother who raised me, my father's mother, was not my grandmother. His sister and brothers were not my aunt and uncles. My cousins were not my cousins. It was then that I learned the ugly truth about rejection. I was nine years old, and I felt terribly alone.

Twenty-five years ago, when he came to my grandmother's funeral, was the last time I ever saw him. My son asked who he was. I simply replied, "He's nobody."

Some might judge me for that answer, and so be it, but it was my way of dealing with the hurt of rejection. It was my way to dismiss it and make it seem unimportant, when the exact opposite was true. It still hurt to know that the man I had known and loved for the first nine years of my life had discarded me like a pair of old shoes.

After the funeral service, the three of us sat in the limousine, silent for the entire trip back home. There were tears in his eyes that day. I supposed it was because he was grieving over his mother.

The day of the funeral turned out to be the last day any family member saw him. After the funeral, he disowned his brothers and sister. The family was never good enough for him. He had moved on. He refused his brother's dying request to see him. He did not care enough to see his brother one last time before he passed away.

Fast forward to the present: I do not know if he is dead or alive. But I do know that I missed having a father all of my life.

Some people wonder why, after my divorce, I did not return to my maiden name. Part of the reason was that my son needed to feel he was still a part of me, and so we shared the same name. The other reason was that I had no name to go back to.

My identity as a human being commenced when I became Carol Roach. I am not Mrs. Roach anymore, but I will always be Carol Roach. I may marry my beloved Matt, but I will always be Carol Roach, for Carol Roach is the essence of me.

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The Essence of Me

Carol Roach

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