How's Your Blood Pressure?

I've just received a card from Dr. Sam reminding me that I'm due for my annual physical. I haven't been feeling that great lately. Just a little headache, now and then. Maybe I'll get my eyes checked, too. Then there is a slight buzzing in my ears. Probably left over from the flu. Maybe I need vitamins.

Dr. Sam does his usual song-and-dance routine and takes my blood pressure. "Hmmm," he says.

"How high is your blood pressure normally?"

"It's usually normal. Why, is anything wrong?" I feel panic.

"You'll have to take off 10 pounds. How much do you smoke? I'm sending you for a stress test and …." And I don't hear the rest of it.

The next day I'm off to the testing center. There I am on a treadmill pumping away like I'm trying to win a marathon, except I'm hooked up to a blood pressure machine and several other nasty looking pieces of apparatus. The technician explained that this was the stress test. What? Walking on a treadmill? I'll give you a stress test: when you get a notice that the tax department wants to examine your last year's tax return. That's a stress test! When you run for the bus and the driver closes the door in your face and you are late for your appointment. That's a stress test! Or when the report arrives at your doctor's office and he phones to tell you to come in as soon as possible.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he says. "I just want to go over this report with you."

"Sure that's what they told Uncle Joe and he lasted six weeks."

"No, no," Dr. Sam says. Immediate relief. "I just want to take your blood pressure again. It seems there has been some change."

Well, the old sleeve gets rolled up. The doctor pumps the bulb, and I watch the dial ascend. I watch the numbers, only I don't really know what I'm watching. What I am really thinking is that, between the stress test and my doctor, this whole trip should amount to about $600 and there goes my vacation.

Then good old doc hits me with, "I want you stop smoking, stop using salt, go on a diet, and lose ten pounds. Start some moderate exercise and cut coffee. Try to relax, get a hobby, and I'll see you next week."

I begin by counting calories and weighing in every morning. I ration the cigarettes (well, one more can't hurt). I walk whenever I can, and worst of all, at lunch, I start comparing blood pressure scores. I even began jogging every morning until I heard about a friend that jogged and dropped dead.

Oh, did I mention that when I came out of the doctor's office I had a parking ticket on my car? Buddy, that's a stress test!

Then I recalled the time I met a friend I had not seen for some time. He was walking his dog. It's nice to own a dog. It's an excuse to walk. I decided on getting a make-believe dog.

On my next visit to the doctor I told him that I had a dog now and would be walking more. "What kind?" he wanted know.

"Oh, just a mutt."

"Best kind," he said.

I began to believe in the dog. I wanted to join my friends for after-work drinks but told them I had a new puppy and had to go home to feed it. I was not going to own up to having high blood pressure and drinking unsalted tomato juice when they were on their fifth scotch. So, it was home to my diet dinner and my make-believe dog.

I started thinking about this dog. If I had one, what kind would it really be? I went to the library and read books about dogs. Since my house had been robbed twice, I hung up a Beware of Dog sign. I guess I was believing it too much. One day I gave the dog up and bought a fish tank. I let the Beware of Dog sign stay on the door.

Well, I've given up almost everything I like but 10 pounds have disappeared. I'm looking better and feeling better, but when I visit the doctor again he says my pressure is still high and prescribes pills. "Let's try this new drug and let me know if you have any side effects."

What does he mean by side effects? Sure, they've tested this miracle drug on rabbits and mice. Now they are testing it on me?

Pretty soon I'll be an authority. My Aunt Lena is an authority on preventive medicine. She came to mind recently when a nature doctor prescribed garlic pills for my high blood pressure problems. Aunt Lena suggested that you wear a string of garlic cloves around your neck when you retire at night.

I've been taking Dr. Sam's little pink pills for awhile now, and I have been using the nature doctor's remedies, too. I take garlic pills, vitamin E, and apple juice mixed with vinegar – throwing the whole thing into a Bloody Mary and gulping it down.

I don't feel any better, but I don't feel any worse, either.

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