Low-Tech

Talking with the guys in information technology has always been a struggle. You always have the feeling that they are so much smarter than you. I remember an event early in my career.

"Good morning, this is Dr. Moreton speaking. I hope that I have not called at a bad time, but I really need help."

"Fire away, Doc! We're always busy down here, but tell me the problem."

"Well, I was trying to make some notes, and things just don't seem to be working as they should."

"Slow it down, Doc, and take it from the beginning. Did the system seem to be working when you started and then break down, or did it not function at all this morning?"

"Oh, things were going fine at first, then it all seemed to go haywire."

"Don't panic, Doc, we can sort this out. That's what we're here for. Now exactly what was the equipment that were you using?"

"The usual: a pencil and a piece of paper."

"Not so fast, Doc. I'm going to need a whole lot more information. What sort of pencil are we talking about here? Do you have the model number and the year? In order to do justice to this problem, I need to know a few details about the pencil – or the 'PC,' as we call it. Tell me about the wood casing – what we call that the 'hardware' – and about the softness rating of the lead – what we call the 'software.'"

"Well, it's green. And it says Universal Pencil Company HB on the side."

"Doc, Doc, Doc! How could you?"

"How could I what?"

"Sounds like you've fallen for the oldest trick in the book! You've got a cheap rip off PC there, Doc. Might even be a one of those generic PCs from overseas that are flooding the market. In this business, Doc, you get what you pay for."

"Well, I don't know about that … my secretary looks after that sort of thing."

"Guess you've learnt something already, Doc. When you're buying essential communication devices, you need to spend time getting the best equipment possible. You pay a bit more, but in the end you save money. Now, how about the paper, Doc – not more foreign crap, I hope."

"I don't think so. I got the pad from supplies."

"Thank goodness for that! Are we talking shiny or matte finish? Lined or unlined?"

"What the hell has that got to do with anything? It's the pencil that's not working!"

"'Scuse me, Doc! How about you spend your time finding the cure for cancer and leave the communications technology to us trained professionals. Making a note involves a critical relationship between the PC and the paper. It's a delicate interaction and what happens at what we call the 'interface' can be affected by thousands of factors. Do you want a quick fix or a long-term solution? It's your call, Doc."

"I'm sorry – I guess I'm just so upset. I've heard of this sort of thing happening, but it's never happened to me before. Any more information that you need?"

"Oh, we've only just started! Now, do you usually lock your office at night, and did you do so last night? There are these antisocial types around. They break into offices at night and tamper with the PCs. They hack parts of the software so that the PCs malfunction when used."

"That's unbelievable! Some people are so screwed up. As a matter of fact, we do lock the office at night, and there is no sign of entry or other damage."

"OK, Doc, now let's go through what happened step-by-step. Don't leave out any details."

"Well, I picked up the pencil and started to write. I was sitting at my desk. I'm right-handed. At first, things were going well. Then, suddenly, there was a sort of crack and …"

"Oh my God, Doc! A crack?!"

"Yes, and a piece of black material shot across the page and fell behind the desk. I tried to keep on writing, but the wooden part of the pencil started to scratch the paper. There was no writing on the page, and it was as if the pencil was trying to tear the paper. I'm telling you, I was scared. Things were totally out of control. I stopped any attempts to write and called you."

"Good thinking, Doc. Now, just take a deep breath. You did the right thing. You're fine. Nobody got hurt, and it's nothing that can't be fixed. Whatever you do, don't touch anything. Tony will come up, pick up the pencil, and bring it down here to the IT department. What I'm going to do is fix you up with a temporary PC for a day or two while we sort out your equipment. Don't worry about what the replacement looks like – it's an old one that we recycled and we've been using it down here as a backup for some time."

"Thank you very much! You guys are great. Did I do something wrong?"

"Relax, Doc. There are always going to be problems in IT. You just have to roll with the punches."

"What do you think is the problem with my pencil?"

"Too soon to say, Doc. We'll run it through the diagnostics and decide what to do. My first guess is that the software was installed improperly: It worked well for awhile, but then when the pressure came, it cracked and the whole system went down."

"Was that my fault?"

"Hey – we're not here to point fingers, but you may want to consider a little retraining in this area. By the way, I do have to warn you about one thing."

"What's that?"

"It might just be that we decide that it's not worth the time and expense of fixing your PC. It might be that it needs what we in the business call 're-sharpening.' You don't need to know the details, Doc, but it involves removing some of the hardware and retuning the software. Sometimes on older models – or cheaper ones like yours – we decide that it may be better to trash the PC and buy a new one."

"Oh, I'd hate to do that."

"Don't worry, we won't do it unless we have to. On the other hand, if we do, you can requisition a new one – the latest new model. I'm telling you, they're a whole lot better than these older versions. In the end, you'll thank me for it."

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Michael J Moreton, MD

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