Musings of a Stroke Victim

Eight years ago, dragon's teeth bit their way unexpectedly into my system in the form of a debilitating stroke. Today, I continue my road to recovery, a journey that proves challenging, yet has opened my eyes to what is important in life. One thing is the love of my dear wife, Esther, and the other is my great involvement in the field of writing. The fulfillment I find in writing provided reason for me to work hard to come back from my stroke.

As I lay comatose, I could hear everything around me. I used to think this was not possible. As I lay on the ground that August day in 1999, it was as if I had entered a blackness, without movement or color, nor features of any kind. I could pick out voices – from a friend, strangers – and the fact that there appeared to be much excitement going on. But I did not realize they were talking about me.

To the caregiver of a stroke victim who appears to be unable to hear, I say, "Speak directly to your loved one." And let him/her know you are nearby. I believe that every word you say is heard, and understood, even though the patient may not be able to see you. It is not like an out-of-body experience; it is more like closing your eyes in a crowd, and hearing voices drifting about you.

I was in a comatose state for about 45 minutes. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in that kind of limbo for a prolonged period. What really woke me up was the crashing of my ambulance bed against the hospital's emergency entrance. I was annoyed by the noise. My peaceful state, sort of a comfortable slumber, was interrupted, and I woke up. I wonder if other stroke victims who are exposed to a similar kind of erratic noise might be induced to wake up. Nothing too sharp though, since any piercing sound really hurt my head for a long time. For years, even some radio songs, especially the feedback from a speaker system, was like a knife being plunged into the right side of my head.

To those who are victims, I ask you to be patient with your rate of recovery. Test your mind with puzzles. I played chess on my computer, hour after hour, and the thinking seemed to activate my brain, and to reclaim brain cells. I read how a stroke causes a blunt trauma, and somehow these cells have to be replaced through re-creation. All stroke victims must be careful not continually to compare the way things are now to the way they used to be. We must discipline our thoughts in this area, and guard our tongues, so we do not growl at those trying to help us. And truly it can be hard, especially for men who may have to run to the washroom often. I had to carry a can for urination, since my own washroom was upstairs and it was impossible to get there in time.

In conclusion, I strongly believe many stroke victims can reclaim some degree of usefulness in society. I drew heavily on prayers, and a supportive wife, assisted by my determination to work to overcome limitations. Although it was painful to get out of bed, and time-consuming to get dressed, I insisted on going to church regularly. At church, I had my wife on one side and a friend on the other to hold me in place so I did not fall. My wife took me for car rides, so my eyes could adjust to a world outside of my cage at home. I forced myself to crawl across the floor to get from one side of the room to the other.

Yes, crawling was one of my exercises. I read that unused muscles atrophy, and simply sitting caused me to gain weight, which I still struggle to lose. One must strive to overcome; otherwise, the alternative is an acceptance of one's situation and further deterioration.

I believe we all wish to be productive, or in some way meaningful to society. Indeed, I make that choice each and every day.

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