Newly Discovered Disorders – Part 3

• Day Before Christmas Syndrome – As the name suggests, this disorder is seasonal. It typically affects males more than females, and is therefore suspected by geneticists to be an instance of X-linked recessive inheritance, where the abnormal gene is carried on the X chromosome. The primary symptoms are heightened nervousness, lack of orientation, and bouts of mania. These symptoms are often accompanied by physical effects, including shin splints (from walking back and forth through shopping malls) and repetitive strain wrist injuries (due to the repeated accessing of credit cards within a short period of time). Some sufferers report the development of a unilateral periorbital hematoma on the following day.

• Day After New Year's Syndrome – This disorder is seasonal, and its clinical presentation is nearly identical to Post-Workplace-Party Malaise Syndrome (Acute). Sufferers are often bedridden until at least noon on the day of onset. General physical symptoms include malaise, nausea, anorexia, and a severe headache (and resultant hypersensitivity to sound), which are guaranteed to last even once the sufferer is ambulatory. Psychological symptoms inherent to this condition may include localized amnesia, as well as haunting feelings of regret, dismay, and/or embarrassment.

• Birthday Depression – This condition commonly only affects those above the age of 35. The condition results in an altered mental state where those afflicted claim to be 29 – or another "nine," such as 39. This condition, though commonly associated with women, is being seen increasingly among men, and thus is not believed to be sex-linked.

• Post-Monday Night Football Syndrome – In its most severe form, this seasonal disorder is called Day After the Super Bowl Syndrome. This condition affects men more than it does women. Physical symptoms include fever-like chills, headaches, and gastrointestinal upset of varying severity. Emotional manifestation is seen either as delusions of superiority, or persistent feelings of anger, outrage, disgust, persecution, and/or disbelief.

• Pre-Wedding Pseudo-Zombie Syndrome – This condition affects women more than it does men, and is similar in manifestation to Pre-Vacation Fugue State. This state tends to become more acute as the wedding day draws nearer, with the sufferer wandering around talking to herself on matters concerning food, seating arrangements, flowers, general incompetence, general inconsideration (e.g. of persons who couldn't be bothered to RSVP), and idiot relatives. Individuals experience a heightened sensitivity to the passage of time. The condition is readily exacerbated by parents (usually mothers) and future in-laws. In rare instances where the individual engages in work activity, she is semi-functional, existing in a dreamlike state of altered consciousness, obsessed with nightmare images of someone fainting at the altar, wine stains on white dresses, relatives engaged in catfights, etc.

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