She Touched My Life

I was 13 years old when I met him. His name was Bob and he was marrying my cousin, Pam. She was 17 and he was 20 years old.

I was at their wedding, and I remember thinking Pam was so young to be getting married. Just a few short years before, we had been sledding together, dressing up in our moms' clothes, and having a good time.

I didn't see a lot of Pam after her marriage. She and Bob moved to the other side of town. My grandma used to tell me that she'd heard Pam was doing OK.

Five years later, I found out Pam was pregnant. I was just graduating from high school that year. Again, I remembered our youth together and couldn't imagine Pam having a baby.

Bob was working at one of the auto plants in Detroit. He was a painter. Pam used to tell me when I did see her that she could never get his clothes clean.

Through the years, Bob and Pam had four children. Pam's last child and my middle one were born a month apart. I remember when she wanted to name her baby Alicia, the name I'd picked out for my own child. We laughed through the years, because neither one of us named our babies Alicia.

Pam and Bob's last child, Lynn, was found to have a brain tumor at the age of two. By this time, they had moved closer to my area, and I was seeing a lot of them.

Lynn was taken to St. Jude's Hospital. After her operation, Lynn was paralyzed on her right side. Through the years, she was diagnosed with so many diseases. Doctors told Pam and Bob that Lynn would never live past the age of 10.

Lynn was a fighter. She proved doctors wrong. She lived to have her 19th birthday.

I was on vacation when the end came. I was not aware that Lynn had been rushed to the children's hospital. I was not aware that my cousin had made numerous phone calls to my house begging me to get to the hospital to be with her when they shut off the life support. I found out later that night that Lynn had passed away.

The funeral was horrendous. Having lost a child myself, I knew Pam and Bob's pain. It broke my heart.

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All those years, Pam and Bob had never taken a vacation. A little jaunt to the lake, but not a real vacation. They were always afraid to leave Lynn. After Lynn's death, I don't think they knew how to take a vacation. Bob was still working at the auto plant, still painting cars, and Pam had got a job in a supermarket. "I need something to fill my hours with," she told me. I understood.

Finally the time came for Bob's retirement. They had made plans. A real vacation. They were planning that vacation when Bob was brushing his teeth one morning, went to rinse his mouth and there was blood. He had just had his check up at the plant right before retirement. Back to the doctor, to be told he had lung cancer.

The cancer spread quickly, and the Hospice of Michigan was called in. I was there that last night with Pam and the rest of the family. Bob's brothers were called in. I think the saddest thing I saw was when Pam crawled up onto the hospital bed that was in the living room and told Bob not to leave her, to fight, and to stay with all the family.

The hospice nurse was there when I arrived that last day. Pam and her kids were basket cases. Everyone was. The nurse called me into the kitchen and asked if I was Pam's cousin. I told her yes. She told me she had to run out for an hour to another patient, but Bob would have to have a shot in less than an hour, and she wanted me to give it to him if she didn't make it back in time. I was horrified. I was not a nurse. I knew nothing about giving shots. She opened the refrigerator and saw a bag of oranges. She told me to take an orange, she was going to show me how to give the shot. I told her I couldn't do that. Bob's arms were so thin, I was afraid I'd hurt him. She told me I was the only one she could count on.

I thank God that she made it back in time and I did not have to give Bob that shot.

What I remember most about that night was that nurse and her kindness to my cousin and her family. I saw compassion in a way some seldom see.

When the nurse whispered it was only minutes, and the family should stand by the bed, I knew it was tough.

Bob's son was so distraught; he was sitting on the couch crying. The nurse and I tried to tell him this would be his last memory of his father. "I can't see him like that, I just can't," he said. With the compassion that nurse had in her, she bent down in front of Bob's son and told him how much his dad loved him.

Bob left us with a memory, one I myself and Pam's family will never forget. We were all standing at his bedside, when suddenly he sat up and raised his hands towards the ceiling and the biggest smile broke out on his face. I knew then he was seeing someone.

"It's Lynn," Pam whispered. "She's come to take her daddy home."

The hospice nurse was standing next to me. I looked at her and saw the tears sliding down her own face. She had only known this family for a short time, and yet, she became part of the family. Her love, devotion to her profession, and her compassion was something we all remember to this day.

I have online support for parents who have lost a child. I allow no one on the site unless they have lost a child. Three years ago a hospice nurse contacted me and asked if she could view some of the stories from parents. I asked her why she would want to do that. She told me that many times, she has to go into homes where a child is dying. "I never really know what to say to a parent," she told me. "It's so hard when it's a child."

She was allowed to join my online support. I know from hearing from parents who have had to sit for weeks and months with a sick child in a hospital, how hard it is. We never give up hope until the last breath is taken.

I think those that work in hospices are all angels. I think it takes a special person to do the work that they do. I'll never forget when Bob died, the way the hospice nurse put her arms around my cousin and her children, and told them how special Bob had become to her. She told us that Pam's family touched her life.

Little does she know how much she touched mine.

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